AR-79X - A Story Time Adventure (Ep3)

Scout ship AR-79X streaked across the sky, its crippled engines belching fire and clouds of toxic black smoke. Although the crew of five were experienced spacers with dozens of successful missions between them, they had been unable to...






...figure out how the engines, being ion fusion drives and capable of emiting fire and smoke in much the same way that a small adele penguin could be used to power a nuclear submarine, were doing that. Suddenly out the starboard cockpit window, Captain. ..






...Ellison Adger Billing-Smythe saw a large clearing in the jungle, and sensor readings soon confirmed that it would make an ideal landing strip for the ship. Unfortunately it wasn't to be, as the navigational controls had been vapourised by the explosion, and the ship was locked on course towards...






...school, nooooooo, anything but back to school! An idea sparked in Captain EA - BS 's BS type of mind. Let's use our fartulence to power the ship!!! Everybody, grab some baked beans! The crew rushed to the cupboard, only to find it....






...chocka-block full of old Captain EABS cherry vodka! The crew was desperate enough to try anything, so grabbing the girly-flavoured liqueur and a rather surprised stoat, they all cranked up the cabin digital-ether radio and began...






...to sing a haunting impromptu rendition of 'Bohemian Rhapsody' over the galactic emergency channel. When they had finished, the galactic emergency channel dispatcher, being more of a Rolling Stones man himself, grimly announced that using the GEC for unrehearsed musical performances was outlawed and that he would be sending a fleet of warships to destroy them, just as soon as he had finished...





... not giving a shit. Galactic emergency channel operators were notoriously snarky and rarely provided any useful information or assistance, even in the most dire of circumstances. Sadly for the Captain and crew, this particular operator was in the mood to follow through with his threat; not only did he despatch a fleet of war ships, but also ...







...made sure they were equiped with chronomonogrammic ultra-kibosh torpedoes, which would erase AR-79X and its crew from the fabric of reality. After engaging their polyphasic wormhole drives, it took just three minutes for the armada to arrive at the source of the prohibited Queen transmission, but to their eternal disappointment they found...






a small potato. Luckily for Captain EABS, just one minute earlier, he and his crew had....






...finished eating dinner, jettisoned the waste (which amounted to the aforementioned potato - their cook was extremely efficient), and jumped to light speed. Now safely on the other side of the galaxy, they set about...





... trying to figure out how a bottle of cherry vodka and a poorly performed rendition of 'Bohemian Rhapsody' had been able to instantaneously repair their light drive, which had just recently been blown to smithereens. It's not like it was just a simple failure either. I mean, it had even been belching fire and plumes of toxic black smoke, which was an odd thing for an ion-based light drive to do, but none-the-less, it had been doing it; probably caused by the ...







...jettisoning of the potato. Yeah. It's got me fucked too. But meanwhile, Captain EABS had more important issues to dwell on, for at that very instant, a huge.....






...deus ex machina appeared in space right in front of the ship and bellowed "I just travelled a couple of minutes backwards in time and repaired your engines, you puny humans! No need to thank me! Wait....on second thoughts, I kind of enjoyed that performance you put on earlier. How about you remain here for all eternity, drinking cherry vodka and performing Queen's greatest hits?! IT'LL BE FUUUUNNNNNNNN!!!"

THE END

ED'S BIRTHDAY - A Story Time Adventure (Ep2)

Jim downed tools at the Ironworks. It was Friday and he was due to don his best dress and.....




... steel capped stilletos. Tonight was to be his first visit to The Lumberjack Club, where he hoped to meet ...




...his good buddy Edward. Ed used to work in the same department as Jim at the Ironworks but had recently transferred to...




the morale section of the company, which ran the social club, meat raffles and Iron Maiden Tribute Band. Ed had been lead guitarist, but these days they just ripped off old Monty Python songs...poorly...and loved to use the stage time to....





The metalworking womens area known as the Irin Maidens. The tricky thing about this position with the ladies was...




... to correctly identify the gender of target, for it was not as simple and obvious in this sub-population. No fear, one simply need to..




look for the beard. Sometimes that meant a quick look under the skirt, to reveal a huge. ...




...beard...





...which most times was enough. However, legend has it that many moons ago, when a member of RES drunkely popped in one day...



... for a waxing, it took an extra 3 kilos of wax to get the job done. Yet, when the under skirt beard was finally removed, it revealed ...






an iron rod, which had been misplaced one time at the Ironworks. But that was mere legend. As Jim walked into the Lumberjack Club, he saw...





a huge pile of feces lying the floor which reminded him of how poor he and his family was as a child. On Christmas Eve his father would eat 2 large burritos and crap it and formed it into toys and let it dry over night, wrap it up and give it to him and that gave him an idea...



... about what to get Ed for his Birthday. It was Ed's birthday that brought them to The Lumberjack Club, but before they could get to the 'poo presents', first they would have to ....






find a good burrito place, which was rare in those parts -lots of Thai and Indian, but everyone knows neither a green curry, nor a vindaloo, gives the right consistency for toy making. "Maybe after a couple of beers I can have a falafel...that inexplicably always seem to work"he thought, as he...






...wandered the neighbourhood looking for a watering hole - he'd need plenty of liquid courage if he was going to tackle a felafel. Luckily there was a traditional English pub nearby, the Cock And Scrotum, so Jim barged through the front door and...






... all doubts of the suitability of the esteemed name of the pub has vanished. He gave himself a Ryu style uppercut for the confirmation that this is indeed reality. Is this really happening? Before his eyes, there stood...




... a 1.5 metre tall tower of phallic Limburger cheese, topped with a mushroom cap of Liverwurst patte; at the base were two large bowls of salted bar nuts. "Get it? Nuts!", exclaimed one of the patrons as he slapped both Jim and Ed on the back of the head. "If you think that's great", continued the drunkard, "follow me out back and I'll show you ..."







"...the Gimp!" Jim and Ed looked at each other warily, then stood up and started to back away from the bar, but before they could take more than a couple if steps towards the door, their host pulled out a...






... freshly minted iPad to show them The Gimp. Sadly, it was only an iPad and not a REAL tablet, so the Gimp was a but limp. Still wary, the two lads kept backpedling and bumped into a .....






... cardboard cut-out of "The Golden Girls", which did not ease their wariness. Growing increasingly wary, they warily...






...cut off Betty White's head to carry with them as a talisman, then retraced their steps trying to find the relative safety of the public bar. Suddenly, out of the darkness loomed a...





... dwarf. You may, gallant reader, think it rather odd for a dwarf to 'loom out of the darkness', but it seemed rather ordinary for a dwarf that regularly ...







did fabric and rug making, using his trusty, but minaturised, loom. But this dwarf was not just an expert on a loom, but also was a master of....






...debating.... you guesed it folks, this was one large-sized cranium basher who was not to be messed with, espicially mid-loom. which was what he was doing, and led the 2 lads to believe....






... that their penchant for cross dressing and visiting establishments as questionable as The Lumberjack Club, under the guise of "a boys night out for Ed's birthday", was simply a thinly veiled cover up for a much deeper psychological conflict. The dwarf went on to convince Jim and Ed that they were actually star-crossed souls, repeating a centuries old relationship, through lifetime after lifetime, always seeking its one, true form, as lesbian lovers. All the pain in their lives was due to their continued denial of this undeniable fact. Neither of them would be happy until they found their true form. Stunned silence followed from Jim and Ed as they gazed upon each other and knew it to be true. Muffled laughter followed from the dwarf as he watched the pair walk away discussing travel plans to Thailand and surgery consultations. "Happy Birthday dickhead!", the dwarf chuckled to himself as he gave the pair the 2-finger salute and went back to maliciously looming a rug with especially slippery thread on the bottom side.

THE END

WILFRED - A Story Time Adventure (Ep1)

Wilfred sat, staring his doctor in the face, as the words found their way to his brain. Yes, he had just heard what he thought he had. Yes, he had just 24 hours to live. His jaw set resolutely as he assured himself that the next 24 hours would ...






... Take a lot longer than 24 hours to pass. Amidst his despair, he found solace in his theoretical physics training, and vowed to make the most of it, and his engineering background, to construct...





... a Space Time Oscillating Orbital Limiter, also commonly known as a STOOL; for which, thankfully, Wilfred knew exactly where to get the parts. The first thing he needed was ...





... a red Lego ™ block and a large rubber...





... insulative stopper to prevent the deadly electric eels from leaving the canister. Organic electricity was his preferred method of powering all his wacky devices ever since...






...he accidentally dropped his primary device into the toilet bowl, he reminisced as he sat there again. Wow, that's an hour gone already, he thought, and I haven't even....





... begun to write the letter to mum and dad explaining how their choice of the name Wilfred had lead to a tortuous childhood and a ruined life for which he continued to hold them vehemently responsible. Wilfred thought it was important to clear the air about these things before going off to meet his maker, however if he could get his STOOL going, he'd have all the time to ....






re-read the best ever novel in the history of mankind - Twilight Saga , for the 8th time. Tears started to form as he rumanise on the impossibilty to marry Edward Cullen - oh, how he longed for the romance of being watched during sleep - how the world is not worth living in without...






...this wonderful book and the movie that resulted. He especially liked the part when Edward yelled "STELLLLLLLAAAAA" (imagining he was actually yelling "Wilfred") after finding a horse head in his bed. It was easily a better movie than its predecessor, Police Academy 3. While this rumination was a welcome diversion, Wilfred knew, that to form his STOOL, he would need to...






...travel back to 1885 and save his pal the Doc from certain death. If only he could remember where he had stashed...





... his morphine; you see, Wilfred had a rather large addiction problem, which was probably a significant factor in his diagnosis for an early death. Remembering he was still sitting in the Doctor's office, Wilfred smashed open the medicine cabinet to grab a syringe and vial. Unfortunately he didn't read the label properly and completely missed the fact that he had just injected himself with ...







...5000mg of testosterone. Smashing through the front door with his pinkie, he jumped in his Prius, floored the accelerator, and sped straight to...







... the closest adult novelty shop, knowing that he was sure to find a low voltage, DC, oscillating motor encased in a pliable, water-proof exterior. Wilfred's STOOL plans required this device for ...





...steering. Unfortunately the batteries were flat. Fortunately Wilfred had 50,000 volts of eel-powered bio-electricity handy, so he...






...licked it, as he had received intensive training in his toddler years and mastered the skill of battery testing by the use of the lick method. Wow,...





... he had no idea that an electric eel could pack such a punch! 'This was sure to work', he thought, as he bit down hard on the adult novelty item, pushed the electric eel down his pants and grabbed both handles on the flux capacitor he had picked up from a bargain bin at Target. Regretfully, he had forgotten that the controls were not set to 1885, but instead ...







...2,000,000,000,085. "Wow, the future!", Wilfred exclaimed upon arriving, then immediately started to...





... look for a bank branch where he could check his account balance; after a couple billion years, he'd be worth FORTUNE! But before he could even take a step, he erupted into flames! The intense heat of the swollen, dying sun had turned the Earth into a scorched wasteland and Wilfred had appeared, waist deep in a pool of molten rock. He was conscious of the searing physical pain as his flesh fell from his bones, as well as the metaphysical pain of his soul being ripped away. His vision collapsed to a tunnel and his life flashed before his eyes. His final vision was that of his doctor, sitting across from him and relaying the news of his 24 hour countdown. The doctor was right after all, this story started just 24 hours ago and now, Wilfred is dead.

THE END

Ingress 2 - A Phone Call

It was only 9am, but already the heat was beating down on us. The marquee we set up was providing a reasonable amount of shade, but the heavy, humid air and the heat from the BBQ grill were doing little to assist in making for a comfortable morning. The scent of grilling meat, about 50 BBQ sausages, drifted across the car lot. As always, it was the staff that came out first, looking for an early morning feed and attracted by the fact that it wasn’t every day, they had a promotions team show up to support their big sale. Balloons and signs decorated the car park and adjacent roadway. Music filled the air and mixed with the swirling smells of char-grilled meat. There was no better perfume to attract a crowd than the mix of music, food and the promise of a good deal.

“Hey Billy!”, I shouted out to the young man holding the BBQ tongs. “It’s time for some quality assurance testing. I’ll have one over here, thanks.”

Billy pulled a hot snag from the BBQ and placed it on the slice of white bread that Emma held out to him. As Emma turned to pass the sausage to me, Becky chirped in with a friendly reminder that I had my choice of sauces. Becky smiled and waved her hands over the array of tomato sauce, bbq sauce and mustard bottles. The TV game-show style flourish was met with a smirk from the rest of the team.

I had just taken the first bite of the snag when I felt the phone in my pocket start to vibrate, followed shortly by the tell-tale signature of my favourite ringtone, The Eagles, Journey of the Sorcerer. I rolled my eyes and cursed the sense of timing that the universe seemed to have as I reached into my front pocket and retrieved my Galaxy Nexus phone. I thumbed the answer icon, my tongue pushed the half chewed sausage into the side of my cheek and I answered the call with a "Huwwo?" that pushed it's way out around the mouthful of food.

"You're going to need to move quickly", said the voice on the other end of the line.

"Wha...", I began in reply.

"A portal has just formed at Denmark Hill", the man on the other end of the line continued, "We may not have seen much Resistance activity in the area, but this is no time to gamble. Get up there and secure it, now." There was a real sense of urgency in his voice as he finished with, "I can't talk now. I'm about to lose power on my phone. Just go, now!", and the line went silent.

Barely ten minutes later and I was cresting the top of Denmark Hill, the engine of my economy car complaining about taking on the steep slope of the road. In the mount attached to the dash, my phone was coming to life with the Ingress scanning software. ADA, the intelligent algorithm behind the XM detector, had already pinpointed my location. “Welcome back,” she said as the map zoomed in to show a dense scattering of XM in the area. The screen lit up as I approached the site of the portal. As it came within range, the sounds emanating from the scanner took on an other-wordly whine. The high pitched wail slithered its way into my head and wrapped itself around the base of my cerebellum. I felt exhilarated at the prospect of my first encounter with a real portal.

Once the car was parked, I pulled the scanner from its cradle mount and exited the vehicle. Looking at the screen, I could see a swirling, grey mass of energy just a few metres in front of me. Using ADA’s built in tools, I targeted the portal and began hacking. With a successful attempt, I was able to retrieve a pair of resonators that would assist in securing the portal. ADA warned the portal was getting hot and I should probably not attempt any further hacking. I had no idea what might happen if I pushed it too far, so I took the cautious route and began focusing on securing the portal. Within a few minutes, I had deployed resonators in a few key locations. The portal appeared to stabalise and its colour shifted from grey to green. “There’s one for the Enlightened,” I thought to myself.

I nearly jumped out of my skin when the phone rang again. I answered it quickly and was met with the same voice as before. “Good work,” he said.

“But …. how did you know …”, I started to get out.

“Check the intel map,” he replied. “It’s an invaluable resource. But for now, you’re good to go. That is the only portal in our local area and you’ve secured it for us green shirts. Good work, but now get out of there.” With that last instruction, the phone went silent.

After shutting down the Ingress scanning software, I opened the Intel map to get a look at what was happening. In the city, just 40 - 50km away, there was a war brewing. A mix of Resistance and Enlightened portals has popped up across the city centre. I could see live chatter on the comm lines as agents from both sides attacked and defended causing portals to change sides and control fields to flicker in and out of existence. I scanned further across the map and saw larger battles occurring in other major cities across the country. Farther still and I saw huge battles in North America and Western Europe. Scattered pockets of portals also seemed to be popping up throughout the developing world. It seemed almost no corner of the globe would be left untouched by the coming struggle.

As I sat back in my office chair, attempting to fathom the depth of what I was seeing, one thing became abundantly clear. What I experienced today, is just the beginning.

Ingress 1 - A New Day

They said it wasn't a game. That wasn't going to stop me. It was 4:30am and the Sun had yet to even tease the horizon with its presence. That wasn't going to stop me either. The mix of excitement and nervous energy in my stomach certainly wasn't going to stop me, yet none of my determination could quell the burning question in my mind, "Just what exactly have I gotten myself into here?"

As I step out of the door to my home and into the dark, morning air, the chill of the pre-dawn wakes my senses. I feel immediately alert of my surroundings. The screen of my phone glows brightly and its speaker emits an eerie sound that waves and laps at my subconscious. The scanning software that I am running on my phone, has come from some ‘leaked technology’ and is causing quite the buzz on the social-webz. Some people are ranting about portals while others are ranting about shapers and still others about some guy who bought a glitchy phone off eBay. A phone which is apparently the source of the leaked app. I can’t resist all this talk of ‘exotic matter’ and some mysterious conflict over the potential future of humanity.

On the screen is an easily recognisable map of my current location. I can also see groupings of sparkly things swirling in the distance. A woman’s voice chimes in and explains the sparkly swirls are exotic matter (XM) which has leaked into my universe. Ingress, the scanning software, or perhaps the name of the woman speaking to me goes on to explain that although the app can detect none locally, portals have begun to form at key locations around the world. Some more warnings about the coming conflict are followed by an explanation that a training scenario is required and a simulation portal is created. 

The app calls out the detected simulation portal as being some 80 metres away in a field across from my home. I begin moving towards it, looking first straight ahead and then at my glowing scanner. The swirling mass of energy so apparent to my scanner is hidden to my human eye. Only now does the sense of seeing beyond the veil begin to settle in the base of my skull. I continue to progress towards the portal, eyes transfixed by the glowing, swirling, pulsating energy. I follow the instructions given to me by the woman’s voice. I attack, defend, acquire tools and utilise them to strengthen the position of the newly subjugated portal. It is obvious the skills I have just been shown will be of great importance in the coming days. 

As the simulated portal disappears from the scanner’s screen, I snap back into the world that existed before all the talk of portals, exotic matter and shapers. I snap back into the world where I am simply standing in a field, alone, staring at the fading glow of my phone screen as the sun just begins to crack above the horizon. This is the dawn of a new day. This is a beginning. This is the moment I realise, the world is not what it seems.


--- to be continued ---