Saturday, March 1, 2014

AR-79X - A Story Time Adventure (Ep3)







Scout ship AR-79X streaked across the sky, its crippled engines belching fire and clouds of toxic black smoke. Although the crew of five were experienced spacers with dozens of successful missions between them, they had been unable to...






...figure out how the engines, being ion fusion drives and capable of emiting fire and smoke in much the same way that a small adele penguin could be used to power a nuclear submarine, were doing that. Suddenly out the starboard cockpit window, Captain. ..






...Ellison Adger Billing-Smythe saw a large clearing in the jungle, and sensor readings soon confirmed that it would make an ideal landing strip for the ship. Unfortunately it wasn't to be, as the navigational controls had been vapourised by the explosion, and the ship was locked on course towards...






...school, nooooooo, anything but back to school! An idea sparked in Captain EA - BS 's BS type of mind. Let's use our fartulence to power the ship!!! Everybody, grab some baked beans! The crew rushed to the cupboard, only to find it....






...chocka-block full of old Captain EABS cherry vodka! The crew was desperate enough to try anything, so grabbing the girly-flavoured liqueur and a rather surprised stoat, they all cranked up the cabin digital-ether radio and began...






...to sing a haunting impromptu rendition of 'Bohemian Rhapsody' over the galactic emergency channel. When they had finished, the galactic emergency channel dispatcher, being more of a Rolling Stones man himself, grimly announced that using the GEC for unrehearsed musical performances was outlawed and that he would be sending a fleet of warships to destroy them, just as soon as he had finished...





... not giving a shit. Galactic emergency channel operators were notoriously snarky and rarely provided any useful information or assistance, even in the most dire of circumstances. Sadly for the Captain and crew, this particular operator was in the mood to follow through with his threat; not only did he despatch a fleet of war ships, but also ...







...made sure they were equiped with chronomonogrammic ultra-kibosh torpedoes, which would erase AR-79X and its crew from the fabric of reality. After engaging their polyphasic wormhole drives, it took just three minutes for the armada to arrive at the source of the prohibited Queen transmission, but to their eternal disappointment they found...






a small potato. Luckily for Captain EABS, just one minute earlier, he and his crew had....






...finished eating dinner, jettisoned the waste (which amounted to the aforementioned potato - their cook was extremely efficient), and jumped to light speed. Now safely on the other side of the galaxy, they set about...





... trying to figure out how a bottle of cherry vodka and a poorly performed rendition of 'Bohemian Rhapsody' had been able to instantaneously repair their light drive, which had just recently been blown to smithereens. It's not like it was just a simple failure either. I mean, it had even been belching fire and plumes of toxic black smoke, which was an odd thing for an ion-based light drive to do, but none-the-less, it had been doing it; probably caused by the ...







...jettisoning of the potato. Yeah. It's got me fucked too. But meanwhile, Captain EABS had more important issues to dwell on, for at that very instant, a huge.....






...deus ex machina appeared in space right in front of the ship and bellowed "I just travelled a couple of minutes backwards in time and repaired your engines, you puny humans! No need to thank me! Wait....on second thoughts, I kind of enjoyed that performance you put on earlier. How about you remain here for all eternity, drinking cherry vodka and performing Queen's greatest hits?! IT'LL BE FUUUUNNNNNNNN!!!"

THE END

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