Saturday, March 1, 2014

ED'S BIRTHDAY - A Story Time Adventure (Ep2)


Jim downed tools at the Ironworks. It was Friday and he was due to don his best dress and.....




... steel capped stilletos. Tonight was to be his first visit to The Lumberjack Club, where he hoped to meet ...




...his good buddy Edward. Ed used to work in the same department as Jim at the Ironworks but had recently transferred to...




the morale section of the company, which ran the social club, meat raffles and Iron Maiden Tribute Band. Ed had been lead guitarist, but these days they just ripped off old Monty Python songs...poorly...and loved to use the stage time to....





The metalworking womens area known as the Irin Maidens. The tricky thing about this position with the ladies was...




... to correctly identify the gender of target, for it was not as simple and obvious in this sub-population. No fear, one simply need to..




look for the beard. Sometimes that meant a quick look under the skirt, to reveal a huge. ...




...beard...





...which most times was enough. However, legend has it that many moons ago, when a member of RES drunkely popped in one day...



... for a waxing, it took an extra 3 kilos of wax to get the job done. Yet, when the under skirt beard was finally removed, it revealed ...






an iron rod, which had been misplaced one time at the Ironworks. But that was mere legend. As Jim walked into the Lumberjack Club, he saw...





a huge pile of feces lying the floor which reminded him of how poor he and his family was as a child. On Christmas Eve his father would eat 2 large burritos and crap it and formed it into toys and let it dry over night, wrap it up and give it to him and that gave him an idea...



... about what to get Ed for his Birthday. It was Ed's birthday that brought them to The Lumberjack Club, but before they could get to the 'poo presents', first they would have to ....






find a good burrito place, which was rare in those parts -lots of Thai and Indian, but everyone knows neither a green curry, nor a vindaloo, gives the right consistency for toy making. "Maybe after a couple of beers I can have a falafel...that inexplicably always seem to work"he thought, as he...






...wandered the neighbourhood looking for a watering hole - he'd need plenty of liquid courage if he was going to tackle a felafel. Luckily there was a traditional English pub nearby, the Cock And Scrotum, so Jim barged through the front door and...






... all doubts of the suitability of the esteemed name of the pub has vanished. He gave himself a Ryu style uppercut for the confirmation that this is indeed reality. Is this really happening? Before his eyes, there stood...




... a 1.5 metre tall tower of phallic Limburger cheese, topped with a mushroom cap of Liverwurst patte; at the base were two large bowls of salted bar nuts. "Get it? Nuts!", exclaimed one of the patrons as he slapped both Jim and Ed on the back of the head. "If you think that's great", continued the drunkard, "follow me out back and I'll show you ..."







"...the Gimp!" Jim and Ed looked at each other warily, then stood up and started to back away from the bar, but before they could take more than a couple if steps towards the door, their host pulled out a...






... freshly minted iPad to show them The Gimp. Sadly, it was only an iPad and not a REAL tablet, so the Gimp was a but limp. Still wary, the two lads kept backpedling and bumped into a .....






... cardboard cut-out of "The Golden Girls", which did not ease their wariness. Growing increasingly wary, they warily...






...cut off Betty White's head to carry with them as a talisman, then retraced their steps trying to find the relative safety of the public bar. Suddenly, out of the darkness loomed a...





... dwarf. You may, gallant reader, think it rather odd for a dwarf to 'loom out of the darkness', but it seemed rather ordinary for a dwarf that regularly ...







did fabric and rug making, using his trusty, but minaturised, loom. But this dwarf was not just an expert on a loom, but also was a master of....






...debating.... you guesed it folks, this was one large-sized cranium basher who was not to be messed with, espicially mid-loom. which was what he was doing, and led the 2 lads to believe....






... that their penchant for cross dressing and visiting establishments as questionable as The Lumberjack Club, under the guise of "a boys night out for Ed's birthday", was simply a thinly veiled cover up for a much deeper psychological conflict. The dwarf went on to convince Jim and Ed that they were actually star-crossed souls, repeating a centuries old relationship, through lifetime after lifetime, always seeking its one, true form, as lesbian lovers. All the pain in their lives was due to their continued denial of this undeniable fact. Neither of them would be happy until they found their true form. Stunned silence followed from Jim and Ed as they gazed upon each other and knew it to be true. Muffled laughter followed from the dwarf as he watched the pair walk away discussing travel plans to Thailand and surgery consultations. "Happy Birthday dickhead!", the dwarf chuckled to himself as he gave the pair the 2-finger salute and went back to maliciously looming a rug with especially slippery thread on the bottom side.

THE END






No comments:

Post a Comment